Time to Change

I’m so excited!  I am going to print out one-day guest passes for me and my boyfriend to visit a gym near our house and check out the equipment and classes, see if it’s worth juggling some money around and trying to find a way to pay for memberships.  I am pretty consistent working out at home, but that was before my boyfriend moved in with me!  The house is too small for me to use any room but the living room to work out.  I don’t really mind working out in front of him, but when his kids are with us, or if any of his friends are over, well, I feel like a dork working out if anyone else is there!  So being able to head off to the gym would be so great.  I’m really not sure we can afford it, but we’ll look at it and find out all the costs and see what we can do.

I can’t believe how much I used to eat.  I can’t believe what I used to be able to shovel into my mouth and still want something sweet at the end.  I’ve been working out so consistently and eating normal portions for a while now, and last night my boyfriend and I went out to dinner.  I decided to get a steak since I haven’t had one in soooo long. 

It’s disgusting to look at a normal portion size and realize what I used to eat.  It makes me sad to think I overate so much and abused my body so bad, for so long.

Now that my boyfriend has moved in with me, it’s become a challenge to keep on my routine and my eating habits.  It’s pretty hard to eat lightly with a big, chowing-down man in the room!  He worked out with me yesterday evening, and it was so much fun.  Today we’re going to lift weights together.

I need to make sure I keep me, my goals, a priority in my life.  I missed a workout on Monday but then told him it’s really important to me to not gain this weight back, so he said he’d work out with me.  I’m touched by that.  He has been supportive and has been the best cheerleader through all of this.  I just want to make sure I don’t get too comfy and start overeating, which is very tempting!

There are so many reasons I love this site.  I wish I’d have found it sooner in my weight loss journey, but I’m just happy I eventually found it.

I’m so addicted to reading blogs and playing with the profile backgrounds and scrolling through the message boards, it’s amazing that I find time to work out!  I just love this site and wanted to thank everyone who reads this for being here and for working toward your own goals. 

Like I had mentioned before, a doctor had told me that with my body structure, 127 should be the lowest I go, so I will lose one and a half more pounds, just to say I got there, and then maintain my weight between 127 and 131. 

After losing 70 pounds, I definitely feel like I deserve a reward (or many, ha ha) but I also am trying to be careful with money, especially with Christmas coming up.  Today I stopped at an outlet store after work to do some Christmas shopping, and I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the most adorable, most perfect jacket for ME!  It is soooo me, and I love it so much.  And it’s only $20.

But I left the store without it.  I argued with myself and reasoned that people in Florida don’t need two coats, and I have a perfectly nice jacket at home.  I try to be so logical and practical, but I fell in love with that jacket!

As you can see, I’m still arguing with myself about it.  On one hand, I love it so much, it’s an awesome price, and I’ll wear it every chance I get because it’s a sweet jacket.  On the other, I already have a jacket and don’t need this one, and I need money for Christmas…

Maybe I’ll leave it up to my weigh-in tomorrow!  If I am 130 or lower tomorrow, I’ll go back and get the jacket…maybe…

…sort of.  I’m confused what my official goal weight should be.  I am 5′3″ and weighed in at 132 this morning.  My original goal weight had been 135, so I am below that goal weight.  I revised my goal to 127 with a mini-goal of 129, but I admit that’s mostly for the thrill of seeing the 120’s on the scale. 

I am down to a size 6-8 and get loads of compliments, so I am feeling pretty good at this weight.  I think I will try to maintain between a weight range of 129-133.  Is a four pound weight range too broad?  Too narrow?  I have never stayed at my goal weight long enough to strategize the maintenance phase!  I am in new territory now. 

I don’t want to get caught in trying to lose more weight just for more attention or to see still smaller numbers on the scale.  I am a perfectionist and know that I definitely have that in me!  “Oh, I lost this much, let’s try just 2 more pounds…okay, how about 2 more?” 

I’m thrilled to be at 132 and below my original goal weight.  I’m just feeling a little lost what to do now!  I want to keep a focus on health and my fitness level, not reducing myself to wanting to be skinny, but it’s hard to resist that.  I wish our society at large had a better focus on women’s health and strength and fitness instead of “you’re never skinny enough”.

Dear Belly Fat,

You don’t seem to take a hint very well, so I am going to address this directly.  All that cardio I do?  All that running?  All that jumping around and sweating?  All those crunches?  That’s your “get gone” message.  Go away, already!  Why are you so stubborn?  Why do you stick around when you are not wanted?

Oh, and fat cells in my boobs: why don’t you trade with the fat cells in my belly so you guys stick around and stop disappearing?  Seems fair to me. 

I’m glad we had this talk.

Now that I am very close to goal weight, a lot of people ask me questions, like “How did you lose the weight?” and “What diet are you on?”  When I tell people I lost the weight by exercising and by eating better, they seem so disappointed!  Our diet industry and pill ads and gimmicks seem to have really convinced many people that there’s an easier way that doesn’t require work. 

I lost the weight, basically, by making better choices.  I get tired of hearing “I wish I had your will power.”  If I had superhuman will power, I wouldn’t have had 70 pounds to lose in the first place.  Will power isn’t something you just have; it’s something you build and grow by using it. 

Losing weight is hard, and I know, having applied myself and literally worked my ass off for the past 6 months or so.  It’s hard work, every day, every meal.  It’s making the choice between gratification now, or skipping a treat to see another pound gone at weigh-in day.  It’s choosing to work out even when I’m tired and feel lazy.

It was always in my control.  But I didn’t lose the weight until I started exercising my control, and owned my weight problem. 

I have wondered, after years of trying to lose this weight, what was different this time.  How did I succeed this time when I had failed so many times before?  Especially during this time of my life, which has been stressful and painful, to say the least!  (It’s a long story.)

 One of the biggest changes I made was in my head.  I decided to stop letting the hateful, nasty things that other people do drive me to binge, neglect myself, stress eat, comfort myself with food, etc.  And I realized that I needed to turn my anger and pain into action.

What better way to show all these negative people that they didn’t win, than to not only not be hurt by them, but to use their hatefulness as fuel and energy and motivation to improve myself?

So that is what I do.  The drama queens and kings in my life will unfortunately not go away.  But I have stopped letting their shots hurt me by hurting myself, and I have decided instead that the harder they push me, they harder I’ll work.  The more I want to be thin and fit and strong.  And the prouder I am of the changes I’ve seen in my body, in my endurance, in my discipline.

In an odd way, I should thank these nasty people for giving me so much motivation to be better.